My grandparents were farmers and my grandmother was one of the strongest women I knew. Until the death of my mother, I never saw weakness in her. But at her funeral I saw emptiness in her eyes that I had never witnessed before. All she could say to me was that no parent should ever outlast the life of their children. And she knew this only too well. She had lost another daughter at the age of two. She choked on a pea and being so rural they were unable to help her at home and it was to late to save her by the time they got her to a doctor.
My grandparents were farmers and my grandmother was one of the strongest women I knew. Until the death of my mother, I never saw weakness in her. But at her funeral I saw emptiness in her eyes that I had never witnessed before. All she could say to me was that no parent should ever outlast the life of their children. And she knew this only too well. She had lost another daughter at the age of two. She choked on a pea and being so rural they were unable to help her at home and it was to late to save her by the time they got her to a doctor.
I cannot begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. I have felt that fear as my daughter has brought me to the brink of believing I might lose her through two complicated pregnancies and a car accident that logically she should had never survived. But I am a fortunate father and am blessed to have my children and grandchildren with me today.
There are families out there that are now suffering this unbearable loss.
This issue tells the tragic story of Jewelean Pimentel. Though she went to Patrick Henry High, her cheerleading crossed boundaries and she is a loss to many teenagers and their parents here in East County. Last Tuesday, a 15-year-old young man in Spring Valley was tragically hit by a car and died at the scene. My heart goes out to the parents, the families and their friends.
As a parent, our children’s friends many times become part of our extended family. We watch them grow up, they eat at our house and become a part of our lives. My children have had to deal with the heartbreaking loss of a good friend. And as a parent, we grieve ourselves and for our children.
A couple of years ago, my children lost a long time friend in a horrible scenario. One of them came to me, not knowing what to do, unable to face the mother’s grief. All I had to offer was support and what little comfort you can give when life strikes such a brutal blow. But I remembered a conversation that I had with a mother who lost her teenage daughter. She told me that losing her daughter was beyond healing, but she also had to deal with the alienation of the families and friends of her daughter who stayed away, not knowing what to do or say to comfort her. It was too uncomfortable for them to face her. She not only lost her daughter, but also felt she lost everyone else. She told me she had never felt so alone in the world.
We all deal with grief in our own way, but in remembering that mother’s words, I told my children that it is just as important to maintain that relationship with the family. Do not stay away because you are too uncomfortable and do not know what to do or say. It is okay, because unless we have walked in those shoes, none of us know what to do. All we can do is be there, even if it is in silence.
It is amazing how our community comes together when tragedy strikes and the outpouring of support through fundraising, candlelight vigils and memorials are a great comfort to those that have lost a child.
But remember this. When the vigils, funerals and community support is over, that parent has to go home to an empty bedroom, a missing plate at the dinner table and in many cases the daily traffic of friends that have been in that home for many years.
The only words of comfort I have is to say to those who have lost a best friend is do not let grief keep you away from the family you grew to love and loved you back. The only way to begin healing is by being part of the grief.
